Why is it that once something or someone hurts us, we go back to that thing or person. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I tend to do that, and seemingly more so now that I'm so far away from my "core" group. Maybe I'm afraid of breaking the links in a chain that keep me connected to my "friends," I don't know, but there are those times when I just want to ask, "Why would you say that to me?" However, shortly after I ask myself "Why did you let her say that to you?" It might be helpful to illustrate this with an example.Recently I was on the phone with my college roommate (CR) of three years. When she calls, we talk for about an hour each time, even though I'm not much of a phone talker. During these convos, she talks mostly about herself, ever so often stopping to ask me "what's new" with me. Then we talk about the endless weddings that are happening - most of which I don't even know the people involved - but regardless we discuss every detail down to guest list.
On this particular day, she told me that a mutual friend of ours was probably going to be getting engaged, well, anytime now. This friend had called CR to ask her an engagement question, seeing as how CR is a newlywed herself. The conversation progress like this:
CR: So she called and wanted to know if a year engagement was too long. I told her that...well let me explain seeing as how you don't know what it's like to be engaged...You really only need a long engagement in order to book the church and reception site...See those fill up quickly.
IG: ................
This may not seem like a big deal to you all...you might be thinking, "Yeah, well she's right, what's wrong with that?" Given that we lived together for three years, she is well aware of my fear of being an "old maid" and never finding "the one". Yeah, she knows; we've met. She, on numerous occasions, saw me cry over having my heart broken and then heard me confess these fears to her. Which is why the statements made and the tone of voice used - the condescending, let me explain like your 5 years old voice - made this exchange hurt even more.
The CR and I had a rough patch in college; we fought quite a bit and yelled numerous times, but things had gotten better now that we weren't living together. However, I'm beginning to believe she makes these comments and talks about all these weddings in order to twist the knife in my back deeper. According to her, when you get married, you're "grown up" and finally "an adult". So what am I, huh? I think it's part jealously, part enjoyment because she knows it stings, but really, why? Why do girls have to hurt their "friends" in order to feel good about themselves?
The ironic part of this story is that within our group of friends, she is the saintly one and I'm the one everyone thinks of as the conniving witch? Funny huh? If they only knew...
